Two-Eight-And-Nine-Zero-Seven

Do you believe in the saying, "you can't have it all"?
The yin and yang of life, you have to lose in order to gain something.

I had a best friend. We had something going on in the past but it never made to a point where either of us are ready to commit. We started over, everything was running smoothly until I decided to resurface old feelings. We finally let our guards down, talked about it for a long time and made a not so definite decision of getting together. We were not entirely a couple. We liked each other but it was nothing more than a truthful agreement between two persons, no strings attached. We shared a beautiful week full of sweet nothings and short sms. It was a moment of bliss for the both of us.

Weeks past and I changed. He remained the same. I wasn't the same person he talked to. I am in constant need of change. I didn't thought about it before I let others to my life. What I meant about change, is MYSELF. He has nothing to do with it. It's my relentless urge for variation that caused my gradual withdrawal from him. I don't know what caused me to be like this. He was patient. He loved me wholeheartedly. He did everything to make me happy. He made sure that our time together will blossom into a wonderful commitment. I did love him but it was not enough. I could never reciprocate all the efforts he made. I never played with his feelings. I stayed true to him. He knew me well enough to understand that I have a hard time expressing how I feel. I wanted to tell him how it's tearing me inside by not making a sane decision and that everything seemed too confusing for me. I just couldn't explain how it didn't work out. I tried but I could never put it into words.

A friend, I lost contact with, turn up and he became my sounding board. He sat and listened to my thoughts without biased and full of concern. For the times I was mad at myself for being confused and letting others suffer, he was there to give advise and helped straighten things up. And then one day it hit me. It made sense that I was always confused with things before because it wasn't meant to be. I had to sort things out with my best friend. I told him about how I found comfort and peace in another person and that I'm breaking things between us two. I might have told him everything in a not so good way. I knew it would hurt him bad but I never thought our friendship would suffer the same consequences. There's a lot more story in between but I would rather not blog about it anymore. I deserve what I got. I miss him and the times when we were friends. I tried to patch things up a couple of times, but things could never go back to the way they were.

I lost a friend.

I know that someday wounds will heal and everything will be alright. Although our friendship will never be the same again, I believe in time he will be able to forgive me and we'll start over, only then i'll be at peace with myself.

I wish for you to be happy and no matter what you will always be a special friend.

Constancy

Old friend, guidance I ask not. for you bargain the purest of minds, compelling vulnerable souls to live in falsity, exposing innocent truths to deliberately planned circumstances. Creating alternate existence that overtly corrupts actuality. Avoiding what is now and confining the yet to be in oblivion. Putting gaps of possibility in meager chances, seething in the depths of in between. Pleading to reach out and interpose permanent changes and finality, emerging as the brutally faceted future.

Is it just to believe in something that changes in an instant? Is it right to lose your way from what is expected? Is it enough for one to believe in another to live? Is it too much to be eager at one thing and long for another? Hard as it is to be desirous of everything at the same time, I struggle to maintain balance in life and accept things as they are. Still, I'm looking forward to a perpetually balanced future.

First Impression

I was never a believer of first impressions, I need at least three or more encounters with same person to be able to grasp a sense of what he or she will be like. The same rule applies when you get to know me. I never open up to anybody at once, but I do talk. I talk a lot, I talk fast and I talk incoherently. You have to earn my respect before I treat you the same way.

However, instances happen and things change. I talk sensibly and people earn my respect. Some few have been lucky enough to be able to witness side of me I never allow people to see. I entrust things I faithfully believe in and seal everything in the depths of their souls. Only to find out that the person you knew seventy-eight hours earlier wasn't the same person now. Funny how you think that you know everything about the person, when just hours of being together will make you realize how a pretense could ruin a relationship.

I'm not the person who easily gives up on things, specially bonds that mold me into who I am today. But I couldn't do it alone, it has to be mutual. I can do everything on my part to make things work but if the other party don't respond, there's nothing left for me to do.